I started writing this after a particularly hard conversation with a family member who has always painted me as the difficult one in our family. I’ve found it to be very common among queer folks that we struggle to feel heard in our homes, and our head-shaking relatives just see us as being deliberately obstructionist rather than representing the reality of our experience that is so foreign to them. The conversations can feel impossible.
Lyrics
I don’t even know
How to find the words
To start this conversation
Planning what to say
I can’t help myself
Predicting our destination
Either I will end up
Saying nevermind
And tending to your ego
Or I say what I need
Try to stand my ground
While you’re letting me know
I’m the only one in this family
Stirring trouble
Why can’t I just take the high road?
I should bite my tongue, it’s only
A little difference
Of belief, so let it go
Wish I could convey
Just how deep it cuts
When you say that you know
Better than I do
About the body
I’ve been living in, it’s almost
Enough to make me walk
Out of here and
Never want to come back
Cause if I can’t be known
Or trusted by you
I can find what I lack
Out there, chosen family
Waiting to embrace me
There are folks who know just how I feel
You’ve had every chance to
Listen, but I’m about to
Take this trauma somewhere it can heal
And one day when the wounds
Have healed enough to hold
Both hope and anger in their rightful place
Maybe we’ll get one more
Chance to prove that our
Relationship wasn’t all a waste
And one day when the wounds
Have healed enough to hold
Both hope and anger in their rightful place
Maybe we’ll get one more
Chance to prove that our
Relationship wasn’t all a waste
I don’t know how to tell if you’re happy
But I hope that you can hear me laughing
The world was hard but it still held me
And I pray for at least one day when you felt free
I don’t even know how to find the words